Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wow! Thanks Amber!

Amber nominated me for a blog award....... holy crap!

I am sucking wind today........ and have been as of late. Stress is getting the best of me. I've been eating a lot of crap food, and the scale is still bouncing from 176-183........ still wearing size 10's and size 12's......... I just don't have much to say. I think my restriction is at the right level, but my head is not in the game....... working on it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tuesday Ramblings

Well, my second PS consult was supposed to happen today, but I cancelled (for now).

I am going to the Chiropractor for discuss what my xrays and electrode test showed, as my back has been chronicly in pain... perhaps due to to my two bra issue... who knows.

My son is having issues in daycare, and my 13 year old step son ended up in the ER yesterday, 26 stitches later....... I am about at my wits end.

A friend is in town for a dr appointment today and I'm cutting out of work to meet her for lunch.......

I am still bouncing 176-183.... depending on the amount of water I drink.....

I am snugly in my size 10 Levis though and thats a good feeling!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Wearing two bra's suck!

I have been as of late wearing two underwire bra's and right now its hurting like crazy.

My boobs are long and deflated and although the ps showed me what they "could" look like, I found myself outside their office bawling my eyes out....... so close, but so far.... long story short I was quoted a price and terms and by the time I was booking the hospital everything got extremely inflated and I basicaly got pissed and told everyone to STOP! STOP NOW! WE ARE DONE! GOODBYE! and with head held high on principal I walked out, past the barbies working the front desk, down the posh elevator, across the freshly lanscaped walk.... to my truck. My heart skipped a beat when the finance girl came running out after me........ I was hoping she was going to "used car salesman" me, but no, I had forgotten my insurance card. After I politely smiled and thanked her...... and she was safely inside the building. The tears of frustration came pouring out. The pissed feelings of wanting to scratch her eyes out, the feelings I really didn't know I had of inadequacy....... all those years of NEVER being thin enough, good enough, smart enough, whatever..... I was close but no cigar.

I really had to do some soul searching as to WHY getting a TT and Breast Lift was so damn important to me, and this is what I've come up with......

I've never been or felt that I was of a normal size (even when I was) I'm as close to "Normal" as I have ever been right now, and I guess getting this sack of potatoes cut off the front of me and getting my NEVER perky boobs, up where they should be, .. and then having all this be right within reach and POOF... gone, I kind of felt that this was the universes way of slapping me with a reality check, saying NO, NO, Tracy..... you are STILL unworthy of joining us in the "normal sized" world. I know this is so out there, but it is how I felt, and why I haven't posted in 12 days. I've kind of been on a food porn fest...... I knew I was going to binge, but I managed NOT to, I was afterall aware of my up and down the scale nature... and why I've lost 80-100 lbs now 5 times...... I did eat a ton of cookies last week and I shit you not, I found out that homeade wontons by my sis's MIL went RIGHT THROUGH MY BAND....... 8-12 went down without a SINGLE pb! Not a proud moment, but a scarey one... The fact that I can still eat a DOZEN of anything! Well that f'ng nuts! My goal right now is to STAY in the 170's........... if I do this shit to myself til Christmas still bouncing around the 180's I'm going to get a small refill.

OK.. so now you know...... I still suck, I'm still a fat girl in my head, and the game is long from over......

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Kicking it LowCarb!

Good Morning! I am so stinking proud of myself........ I have eaten Clean, BASIC low Carb for 3 days, drank my water, stayed away from dt dr pepper and I had a WHOOSH this morning! back down to 176.4! I go for my PS consult tomorrow and I really want to be at the weight I told them I was... 175.

yesterdays menu was:

Coffee w/sf creamer
B: Weight Control Oatmeal
L: Tuna and Egg salad (made with mayo and brown spicey mustard)
D: 2 eggs over easy
honesty: 1 bite of crusty monkey bread (think donut hole size)
then I was so ticked I spent the rest of the night in my room! LOL
S: Hot tea with splenda and a bit of sf creamer

right now:
coffee w/sf creamer
Carbmaster Vanilla Yogurt (3 carbs)

Lunch: my boss is taking me out, so I'm opting for Mexican.. I know I can be ok with Chicken Tortila Soup.

Dinner: I have pork steak covered with cream of mushroom soup in the crock pot at home......

This is the BEST I've eaten in MONTHS, maybe even a year!