Monday, October 13, 2008

Wearing two bra's suck!

I have been as of late wearing two underwire bra's and right now its hurting like crazy.

My boobs are long and deflated and although the ps showed me what they "could" look like, I found myself outside their office bawling my eyes out....... so close, but so far.... long story short I was quoted a price and terms and by the time I was booking the hospital everything got extremely inflated and I basicaly got pissed and told everyone to STOP! STOP NOW! WE ARE DONE! GOODBYE! and with head held high on principal I walked out, past the barbies working the front desk, down the posh elevator, across the freshly lanscaped walk.... to my truck. My heart skipped a beat when the finance girl came running out after me........ I was hoping she was going to "used car salesman" me, but no, I had forgotten my insurance card. After I politely smiled and thanked her...... and she was safely inside the building. The tears of frustration came pouring out. The pissed feelings of wanting to scratch her eyes out, the feelings I really didn't know I had of inadequacy....... all those years of NEVER being thin enough, good enough, smart enough, whatever..... I was close but no cigar.

I really had to do some soul searching as to WHY getting a TT and Breast Lift was so damn important to me, and this is what I've come up with......

I've never been or felt that I was of a normal size (even when I was) I'm as close to "Normal" as I have ever been right now, and I guess getting this sack of potatoes cut off the front of me and getting my NEVER perky boobs, up where they should be, .. and then having all this be right within reach and POOF... gone, I kind of felt that this was the universes way of slapping me with a reality check, saying NO, NO, Tracy..... you are STILL unworthy of joining us in the "normal sized" world. I know this is so out there, but it is how I felt, and why I haven't posted in 12 days. I've kind of been on a food porn fest...... I knew I was going to binge, but I managed NOT to, I was afterall aware of my up and down the scale nature... and why I've lost 80-100 lbs now 5 times...... I did eat a ton of cookies last week and I shit you not, I found out that homeade wontons by my sis's MIL went RIGHT THROUGH MY BAND....... 8-12 went down without a SINGLE pb! Not a proud moment, but a scarey one... The fact that I can still eat a DOZEN of anything! Well that f'ng nuts! My goal right now is to STAY in the 170's........... if I do this shit to myself til Christmas still bouncing around the 180's I'm going to get a small refill.

OK.. so now you know...... I still suck, I'm still a fat girl in my head, and the game is long from over......


Donna said...

You know what? I actually know how you felt. I had the same issues with my teeth. Went in to find out about dental implants and they came back with the cost of a "smaile makeover" that literally brought a tear to my eye. I mean, seriously, I could purchase a VW bug for what they quoted me.

6 months later I found another dentist through my periodontist. Definitely more reasonable. My point is, you'll find the right PS... just keep looking. There are good, sincere ones out there who are more honest and upfront than about making a buck.

Kim said...

I had a meltdown about a coat over the weekend. Still not thin enough to be in the regular stores, but not big enough to be in the big stores.

No one will ever be able to tell you you are good enough until you start believing it yourself. So get out of your bad neighboorhood (you know, th eplace between your left ear and your right ear) and talk to us.

Much love to you. I call my boobs "my national geographics" and I LOVE them. regardless.

Amber said...

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